Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Return of the Unwanted Interns

People joke about building a better mousetrap because the mousetrap has been perfected. They’re simple, effective, cheap to make, easy-to-use, disposable and fast, sending the little critters to Habitrail heaven in less than a second on the speed of a steel hinge – they’re brilliant. Rat traps work the same, they’re just larger. For me, though, that last bit is the main problem. My better rat trap would come with torture. I want the Saw version of the rat trap, the one where the rat dies slowly and painfully – and ironically, if at all possible. Perhaps a miniature exploding jaw-trap that attaches itself when the vermin prick sticks its nasty head in there for a morsel of bait. Oh, yeah, and there wouldn’t be a way out, no key in the body of the rat beside it. The fucking rat would just die no matter what.

If you haven’t guessed by now, the rats (or maybe just rat) have returned to my office. One of them set off a mouse trap the other day and left a giant fucking turd on the floor of the lunch room – thick as a pencil and as long as a cigarette butt. Taking a more proactive approach than the poison boxes we still have kicking around, which take about six weeks to work (six weeks? Are you fucking kidding me?), I went out and bought rat traps. I’ve become the self-anointed rat killer of the office, and I’ve been trying to do it right. I set one with peanut butter, the other with chocolate (I know, I know – if that doesn’t work I’ll try the two great tastes that go great together), carefully wearing rubber gloves the whole time, as to not get human sent on them, and ever so precisely hooking the lever on the pedal without snapping the whole thing in my face. That was last night, and to my annoyance, no rat corpses this morning. I’m leaving for ComiCon early tomorrow morning, so I’m gonna be robbed of the satisfaction of seeing their dead. But as long as they die, really, I’m cool with that.

I never had nightmares about rats until they invaded my workspace, now I imagine they’re crawling on my bed in the middle of the night. When I arrive at work, I wonder if they were crawling on my desk during the night, stealing the ample press releases that reside there in order to build a nest. I wonder where the closest one is hiding or if one will dart out when I turn the light on in dark room.

I hate rats so much I can easily see past the cruel and illogical pointlessness of torturing them. In fact, I’d like to see them drawn, quartered and their shit-bulb heads placed on tiny pikes as a warning to other rats. I would kill them with zeal and unwarranted savagery. And I’d videotape the proceedings. Then I’d make a giant screen out of rat hides and I’d project my footage outside of PETA’s headquarters – for the pure vulgarity of it.

Anyone know where to purchase tiny landmines?


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Really, rats are just another incarnation of human inventiveness. All they do is shit on other creatures' habitats and manipulate the world to suit their needs. I.e. they will bite your finger off with their yellow sharp fangs if you fuck with them. I would leave them alone, observe the destruction of the print shop they unleash and then ponder the resulting chaos. Hail the Rat.

4:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dave, I think you have found a genre of writing to which you are truly a world-champion: Rat Denigration. Your last rat-apolooza blog I actually printed out to share with others it was so fucking hilarious, and this one is pretty good too.

BTW...do you realize how famous you are now? Chris was in Blockbuster last week and was looking at a friggin dvd with your name on the back! (Some quote of yours from Rue Morgue made it on to the case.) He took a pic with his phone but it didn't turn out very well. I think I might go back and just buy the thing! But maybe could you start reviewing mainstream romantic comedies, as I am more interested in purchasing those.

Lori A.

PS...Why no Facebook?

4:20 PM

Blogger Dave said...

Because Facebook is full of rats!

Ah, I've got enough distractions without adding Facebook. Plus, it's fun to be a Facebook curmudgeon.

Glad you dug the rat hate. The more rat haters, the better! And don't ever take for granted the sweet rat-free vistas of Alberta.

10:34 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm all for RATT hate.

- Colin

7:22 PM

Blogger Superdude said...

I love rat hate. I mean I love RATT. I'm going to drink swill beer to reminisce. Remisnisck. Remisnisshtlk?

6:05 PM

Blogger Dave said...

Naturally, you're referencing the band:


I'd definitely need bigger traps to catch those fuckers.

11:35 PM


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