Oh my god, you guys, here comes the Queen!

First off, this is the first post I've made in almost a week--I apologize; while most of this can be attributed to laziness, I also had an absolutely terrible fucking week at work, during which most every thing that could have gone wrong did. I won't bore you with the details, however... especially not when there's the QUEEN to talk about!

Yes, even as we speak, the Queen is in Edmonton,and if you listen close enough, you can hear the low, quiet hum of thousands of people prancing in spot in their living rooms, shaking their hands at the wrists and murmuring "ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod...." It's a magical time. And to commemorate the magicity of this time, the Journal, our good city's paper of record, took it upon itself to publish a special Royal Visit 2005 supplement in Saturday's paper, to ensure that the incredulousness of this amazing social and cultural phenomenon that is the visit of a pleasant, but meaningless, powerless figurehead to our fair city.

I can't reprint this supplement in its entirety, of course, but believe me; you can almost taste the tears of the poor Journal staff writers who had to write this amazingly fluffy bullshit. Check out some of these gripping and yet totally depressing headlines:

"Mounties will never be far from Queen"
"Royal couple 'wonderful people to deal with'"
"Meal planning takes months"
"Public has plenty of chances to see Queen"
"Philip's special interests will be evident on tour"
"Few local landmarks bear name of Queen"
"Making the AgriCom look pretty"
"Protocol rules relaxed, but not gone"

HOLY FUCK! WHICH ONE SHOULD I READ FIRST, JOURNALSIRS? I FIND THEM ALL SO POTENTIALLY ENLIGHTENING. And I can hardly wait to see which of the Prince of Wales' special interests bubble to the surface as promised while on his tour--maybe after they take that helicopter ride over the oilsands in an attempt to sate Philip's unquenchable thirst for dumptrucks and scorched wastelands they'll make a quick pitstop off at the Alberta Museum of Watersports, or drive down to Stony Plain Road so Philip can run out of the limo at red lights and kick poor people in the face. That would be pretty telling, I think. But first, let's read all about what the royals usually eat while travelling and how we plan to make the AgriCom not look like the delapidated 40-year-old corrugated-steel barn that it is. Fascinating.

Anyhow, there'll be more Queen info arriving on this site shortly, as incredibly I find that I'll actually be attending the welcoming party for the Queen at Commonwealth Stadium tomorrow, where I'll be incredibly disappointed if things don't start out with the Queen bursting through a paper screen and then trotting around the track pumping her arms and getting the crowd to do the Wave. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted.

In the meantime, please enjoy this excerpt from Darren Zenko's Vue column, Dispatch.

ROYALIST ROCK CORNER!
So, I was rockin’ out the other day, thinking about the Queen (as usual), and I laid down this wicked jam, just right off the top of my head. I’m thinking of putting out a commemorative CD. Check it out.

Put out your welcome mats
Put on your brand-new hats
Lock up your housecats
Here comes the Queen

(Chorus)
The Queen! (x12)

Royalist rockin’
When she comes knockin’
Don’t stand there gawkin’
Scream for the Queen

(screams)

(chorus x4)