Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Church signs: nature's street prophets

Finally—someone willing to take a stand and just say NO! to holiday-related abuse and violence. Here's hoping that lots of abusive husbands and violent criminals happened to commute past downtown Edmonton's McDougall Church last week so they could be made aware that God has declared their shenanigans officially unwanted during this Christmas season. Otherwise, you know... things could get pretty awkward.

Abusive Guy: I say, wife! Come here so I can be abusive to you, and possibly violent!

Victimized Wife: But didn't you see the sign downtown? Abuse and violence are unwanted this Christmas!

Abusive Guy: Oh shit, really? No, I totally didn't see that—

God: HEY! What the fuck is going on down there? It had better not be abuse and violence!

Abusive Guy: What? No! We were just, you know, talking about—

God: —because I've declared those two things specifically to be unwanted this Christmas season. Had some guy put it on a sign in Edmonton and everything. Didn't you see it?

Abusive Guy: Normally I would have, since I usually take the 9 downtown, but it's been pretty cold so I've been driving to work for the last couple of weeks, so...

God: Well, I felt it was very prominently displayed.

Abusive Guy: Huh... well, I don't know what to tell you.

God: Well, that's reasonable, I suppose.

Abusive Guy: ... yep... guess so...

Five minutes of silence pass before everyone just sort of wanders offstage, giving way to closing scene in which Godzilla is lowered from the ceiling waving sparklers while "Pomp and Circumstance" blares over PA system before the curtain abruptly falls.

AH, community theatre! That Stirling Award is as good as fucking mine.

Anyhow, there was probably a point to all this. Oh yeah: when is everyone coming back to town this month? Let me know, and maybe we can all do something FUN.

In the spirit of bookending, please enjoy my second favourite church sign ever, courtesy of the Knox United Church by my apartment. I guess not really believing in God means you're allowed to have a sense of humour.

10 Comments:

Blogger Ladysir said...

"Presbytery" means hobos sleeping in their community centre, right?

I'll be back Saturday night, ready to find excuses to escape the suburbs.

7:11 PM

 
Anonymous collin said...

Ahhhh, good ole Knoxxy! The rock of 109th Street. How's about "If you're a bum, please don't punch the trees!"

10:03 PM

 
Blogger Dave said...

Thursday night. For eleven days, many more beers. Pants? Maybe.

You gonna make it into town, Gallant?

Neal?

God? ... Are you there? It's me, Margaret.

1:33 PM

 
Blogger Dave said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:33 PM

 
Anonymous collin said...

The one you call "Gallant" is busy during December, though he will be in Calgary Dec. 23-25.
Perhaps a midnight run to Cabbage-Town next Wednesday (the 14th?? whatever Wednesday is), only if I'm promised meaningless sex and the fattest lemon wedges that the Black Dog has to offer. And a couch... need a couch... for the epmty sex...
Out!

1:07 AM

 
Blogger Chris! said...

Hey, you've always got a couch at the old Chris's Ant Farm and Dust Grossatorium! On the plus side, I'm pretty sure the cold snap killed off all the magpies. The hobos, however, live on. Thanks, Knox United.

Just give me a call and let me know when you'll be in town.

1:39 AM

 
Anonymous Kris Meen said...

I'm in Alberta the 15th through the 26th, with stops in Edmonton at points therein.

Let's rock.

8:27 PM

 
Blogger Superdude said...

I'm fuckin' in CHARGE of Edmonton from the 14th to the 4th. Anyone want to have a street party on the High Level Bridge? I'll talk to my people. As for the Black Dog, if it's still progressively getting less cool and more teenagery and snobby-looking as it has the last few Christmasses, I'm definitely in. As for white dogs, they're a bad choice. The dirt shows up far too much.

11:00 AM

 
Blogger Heather said...

I'll be in Edmonton Dec 20 to the 26th. Franklins Inn on Christmas Day?

5:51 PM

 
Blogger Kristine said...

I'll, uh, not be in town from the 21st to the 26th. In fact, I'll be in Toronto (I heard Heather was going to be here, so I had to get the fuck out).

6:14 PM

 

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