Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Better red (or pink) than dead

Today, in Oceantown, the citizens' lungs re-pinken; their blood pressures drop; while their livers continue the gentle swelling they've enjoyed for ages.
For the first time since fire was invented, I can walk into a bar, drink my face off, and not hack from the toxic grey haze that fills in the little spaces within my lungs.
That's right. I've had gills installed, and I'll just keep my head in the toilet all night.
No, dummy. They've made smoking in all public spaces illegal here in Nova Scotia. Bars, buildings, even outdoor patios will be stink-free. Anyone smoking within 4 metres of an air intake will get a ticket. Anyone smoking inside will be tazered.
No longer will shit-exhaling companions in drinking establishments foul the air with their rot-mouthed smoke breath. And the age of coming home smelling like an ashtray has finally closed. Only the stink of spilled alcohol will sully this sometime-reporter's typically odorous person.
Sure, the gutters on the streets of Oceantown will soon be completely filled with cigarette butts, and the waterfront, one of the few outdoor public places you can smoke, will look like a filter-tipped hepatitis snowstorm, but so long as I wear shoes and keep my mouth off the ground (generally a good idea anyway), I'll be stink-free (at least from outside sources), cough-free (except for colds my junior-high-school-teaching cousin brings home from work), and hangover-free (except, of course, when I drink too much).
To say goodye, I went out with four smoker friends yesterday night for a final puff indoors. About 10 years ago, someone or other passed a law that said smoking could only happen in little closed-off rooms within the bars. The cigarette companies paid to build them, and smoking continued. The doors to these rooms typically stayed open. Bars were still smoky. I still got lung-hangovers from being in them. But yesterday was the last day of that. As we discussed how much we'd take in return for cutting our own hands off, or what price we'd accept in return for killing our beloved pets, darts (hah) of smoke shot into my eyes and throat for the last time. Perpetual pinkeye cursed my lovely visage for the last time. And sudden asthmatic bursts of choking struck me with premature nostalga.
I'm going to put out a line of little felt black lungs to commemorate this date. December 1, 2006: the day I started going home smelling sweet as a rose who forgot his deodorant.
Unfortunately, I'm going to miss all my friends.
They're just going to stay home and smoke.

4 Comments:

Blogger Dave said...

Hilarious post, Neal. Few things were more rad than being able to go to the Dog and not have second-hand lung rot the next day.

7:21 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I read your article; it's shallow. You don't
bring anything new with your neo-anti-smoking activist
ramblings. I am a non smoker myself but I will never
get people like you who stigmatize smokers for
doing something that's legally allowed.
Cigarette smoking is legal in this country
why should people feel bad about doing it?

Your thin veiled contempt for smokers is
pretty evident in your post. grow up.

11:11 AM

 
Blogger Superdude said...

Don't like my opinion? Get your own.

8:25 PM

 
Blogger Dave said...

"Cigarette smoking is legal in this country why should people feel bad about doing it?"

Gee, I dunno, maybe because it's stupid to pay a giant corporation for the privilege of a slow suicide that sucks money out of the healthcare system and causes harm to those unlucky enough to be within range.

Since when does legal status determine whether or not someone should feel bad about doing something? And what are talking about "thinly veiled"? There's nothing thinly veiled about the post -- it's an anti-smoking rant, that’s the point.

“Grow up"? You're saying it's immature to voice an opinion on a blog? Immature is hiding behind an anonymous, illogical comment post, dumb-ass.

5:47 PM

 

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