Welcome back to Toronto, now scream real loud!

I’m back from eleven days of drinking, eating out, visiting friends and family, playing video games, watching a kick-ass Oilers game and generally goofing off in Edmonton. A very satisfying mix of hectic and relaxing, and I realized that this is the first time in years I’ve had a genuine holiday, as I’m usually freelancing like a madman over the Christmas break. It’s nice. Thanks for the hospitality, all.

After another delayed flight, I arrived back east a couple of days ago to the kind of welcome only Toronto can provide. I’m in a cab heading back home when we stop in traffic. I look over to see a guy in a bus shelter wearing sneakers, shorts, a Santa hat, and a winter jacket. He sees me looking at him, raises his arms to reveal that he’s not wearing anything under his jacket, and then starts pumping his arms in the air while screaming “NYA NYA NYA!” It was awesome, although not quite as crazy as the guy who tried to sell me a blow-job on the way to work one morning. He spoke fast and mostly incoherently in an Africa dialect, talking about being a brother who just got out of jail, and he also wanted me to drive him to get drugs. I was like, “Uhhh… I gotta go,” at which point he ran into the middle of the street, stopped traffic and gave a city bus the finger… with both hands, pumping them out like they were six-shooters in an old west gunfight. Well, if you’re nuts, you might as well go for it completely, right?

I had a much better brush with insanity last night when my buddy Paul bestowed upon me an unopened Pee Wee’s Playhouse FUNPAK, straight out of 1988. As you can see, I opened it, reaffirming why Pee Wee’s Playhouse was the best kids show. Evah!

For starters, look at those cards! The King of Cartoons has just proclaimed that a cartoon a day keeps the doctor away, which is clearly a choice alternative to check-ups and medication; Billy Baloney the ventriloquist puppet is being a dick as usual; and what’s funnier than a clock – named Clocky! – that can’t give you the time?! That other little square is one of those cards that changes pictures when you tilt it, or, known here as a “Wiggle Toy.”

The best part of the cards, though, is the back of the Billy Baloney one, which has a Bazooka Joe cartoon where he meets Pee Wee.

Panel 1

Pee Wee: Now I’m going to solve one of the biggest mysteries in the world!!!

Panel 2

Pee Wee: Hey Bazooka Joe – what have you got under your eyepatch???

Panel 3

[Bazooka Joe’s eye pops out from behind the eyepatch and hideously stretches out towards Pee Wee]

Bazooka Joe: Why an eyeball – of course!!!

Oh yeah, and the fortune reads, “I know you are but what am I?”

And then there's the Pee Wee's Secret Disguise, which I think speaks for itself. Perhaps in tongues.

Lastly, the tattoos (flipped here so you can read ‘em better). The phallic, Lovecraftian octopus, is creepy but fits right in with Floory proclaiming, “Swab the deck,” and a scowling “Mad Duck” with tiny biceps and a flower growing out of its head. However, within all this nonsense is a Black Power tattoo with the Black Panther raised fist symbol. WTF? I can’t imagine a kid’s show nowadays that could be so subversive. Not even Mr. Cross-Dressup or the Fideletubbies.

I guess the lesson here is that the next time a crazy guy in a Santa hat screams at you, the best recourse is probably, “I know you are, but what am I?”