Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Holla for the Hockey Hall of Fame

I finally went to the Hockey Hall of Fame in blustery downtown Toronto, and maaan, if there was ever a place to get a hockey boner, this is the place – like getting Sky Box tickets in a bathhouse. The place is crammed with cool shit. For starters, at the entrance there’s a display of goalie masks through the decades, including a bunch of old, old-school ones that I think were made from half-cooked egg noodles dipped in melted boogers. And there are two worn by Grant Fuhr – the best being his classic white, blue ‘n’ orange one from the dynasty years. Sadly, however, they didn’t have Mike Liut’s long, white mask, which used simultaneously scare and fascinate me as a kid when I got his hockey card.

Once inside the Hall, there are so many cases full of memorabilia – jerseys, sticks, gloves, etc – from milestone games, it would take half of a day to read all of the title cards. Wanna see the stick Hextall used to score the league’s first goal by a netminder? Boucher’s pads worn during his recording-setting 332-minute shut-out streak? How ‘bout the actual net that Gretzky scored his 802nd goal in, thereby taking the league’s all-time scoring record from Howe? It’s substantially more exciting than the Hockey Hall of Shame, featuring Steve Smith’s warm-up jersey, Todd Bertuzzi’s bras knuckles and Mike Danton’s mug shot. Although the Gary Bettman laser light show is pretty killer.

But back to the Hall of Fame. It also has a whack of stuff from other leagues (including stuff from both the U of A Pandas and Bears), a couple of theatres showing short movies/highlight reels, trivia games, and a mock mini-arena where you can either shoot pucks (Alana’s brother Jon is trying it in the above pic) at a virtual net or try to save ‘em from a virtual Gretz’ and Messier. For the last one you put on pads and watch a big screen, which has holes in it that shoot out pucks corresponding to where the players shoot them from on the screen. The best part is where virtual Messier shotguns an entire bag of Lay’s potato chips and then barf gushes out of a puck-hole. A-mazing.

Oh, and there’s a replica dressing room, complete with skate sharpening room, exercise equipment, and the coach’s office. Above you’ll see a pic of the white board in the fake coach’s office, where the fake coach/scabby old mannequin in a suit sits. Look closely to see coach’s game plan. It consists of: “5 on 4,” “Crowd Net,” “Get in Fuhr’s Face,” and “Shoot for 5-hole!” I think the only thing he left out was “Give 110%.” And a drawing of a cock.

Upstairs, in the part of the building that’s an old bank, is the room with the various trophies and the Hall inductees. The cup (or a replica perhaps?) is there and you can get your pic taken with it, and touch it, which is pretty cool. Some of the old trophies are gorgeous, and it’s sweet to see ‘em close up. There’s a also a room dedicated to the various incarnations of Old Stanley, so you can see it go from just a bowl, to a stubby chalice-like cup, to a dorky tower, and see the redesign in the ‘60s, the extra rings, etc, etc.

Despite this, my personal fave parts of the Hall are a lot rougher around the edges. Firstly, the old-ass equipment is pretty amazing. I’m talking about tiny leather goalie pads with bamboo stalks in them for “protection,” hilariously heavy and unwieldy one-piece sticks, and goalie gloves fitted with iron forearm guards that make ‘em look like a cross between the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man’s arms and a suit of armour.

Secondly, the "other" Gretzky's case is awesome-weird. This includes the puck that his son scored his first goal with, his sister's track-and-field trophy, and and his dad's fishing trophy, pictured above. You half expect to see a Gretzky Family Hair-Doll or something.

Thirdly, I love the case dedicated to defunct NHL teams. I’m not sure why, but I think it has something to do with the hockey cards I collected as a kid and how I couldn’t understand how a team could just get up and leave after a city formed an attachment to it. Then again, I guess most of them leave because the city doesn’t form enough of an attachment to keep the money rolling in, I guess. So they were all there: the Quebec Nordiques, Atlanta Flames, Oakland Seals Colorado Rockies (I still have a Lanny McDonald card with him in his Rockies jersey), The Minnesota North Stars, and a bunch of much older teams that I’d never heard of. The gift shop is also the ideal place to score merch from a dead franchise. Alana bought a Jets T-shirt, and I bought her a Whalers pin.

Aside from a pin, I think they’ve got a Whalers puck, but that’s it. Alana loves ‘em in the ironic lovable losers way, of course (in their best NHL season they won 43 games, in their worst, a super-lousy 19), but they did have kind of a cool logo with the whale tale. I recall reading a Dave Semenko’s (small and very easy to read) autobiography – called, I think, “Hockey Face, Me Smash!!!” – when I was a kid and he talked about how pissed he was at being traded to the Whale.

After all, they were kinda of the red-headed step kids of the league in their latter years; the Boys on the Short Bus, if you will. Of course, they were pretty irrelevant from the get-go, being named after a profession that was long dead by that time in Connecticut and not exactly popular anymore in general. Being an actual Whaler wasn’t cool by the time the team was conceived in the ‘70s (of course, The Edmonton Trappers baseball team had a long run). No wonder the Whalers folded in ’97. Christ, why not just go by something even less relevant, like the Hartford Smithys or The Hartford Alchemists? Fuck it, if the owner asked me, “Should we call the team the Hartford Whalers or the Hartford Orphan Punchers?” I’d vote Orphan Punchers… just to see the logo.

Wednesday, December 28, 2005


... is the title of a fascinating e-mail I recently received (twice) from someone called only Maria. Because I'm in Kelowna with my parents and bored to tears, I thought I'd post its contents in the hopes of providing amusement to those of you who don't need it nearly as much as I do. Are you ready to have your MIND BLOWN?!? Check it out:

A large number of our political world leaders and corporate global elite are part of an intricate system of secret societies.

were orchestrated, and was an inside job to create a pretext for war. The Bush crime family not only knew, they helped plan the attacks, aid the terrorists, and made sure the attacks were carried out.

The anthrax which was sent through the mail wasn't sent by al qaeda or Saddam, it was sent from someone within our own government to create more fear and ensure the Patriot Act would get passed.

Dozens of secret Concentration Camps exist in America on Military Bases and in cities ready to accept civilian prisoners. Since WWII.

Mock human sacrifices are done every year in the in California by our political and corporate elite. A forty foot tall idol of an owl is used to sacrifice an effigy of a child while dozens of men wear black robes and hold torches performing a ceremony.

Freemasonry is a religion, it is a secret society, and high level members knowingly deceive lower level members and non-members. At the highest levels Freemasonry is satanism.

Mormonism is a cult and the founder, Joseph Smith, was a Freemason. Mormons believe Jesus and Lucifer are brothers, and believe that they can become gods, just like Satan said in the Garden of Eden.

10 Satanic Commandments in 8 languages stand as an enormous granite monument in Elberton Georgia. Created anonymously in 1980.

There is a Satanic pentagram clearly designed in the street layout of Washington D.C.

The United States military has built enormous Underground cities for the political elite, including water treatment facilities, food supplies, and modern amenities.

Johnny Gosch allegedly named Michael Aquino, founder of the Temple of Set, and former Church of Satan member as a key perpetrator in his kidnapping. Aquino was a Lt. Col. in the U.S. Army with high level clearance and allegedly participated in MKULTRA, type experiments on children. His home was raided by the FBI August 14, 1987. No charges were filed.

Numerous sources including Ted Gunderson (ret. FBI), John Decamp (former US senator), Paul Bonacci (child abuse victim) and Rusty Nelson (Franklin Cover Up) report that Hunter S. Thompson produced snuff films in the Bohemian Grove in which people were murdered on film for entertainment.

Phony Whitehouse reporter "Jeff Gannon" from Talonnews.com was allegedly found to have profiles on numerous gay escort sites as a homosexual prostitute in the D.C. area, with visits to the Whitehouse and involvement in Operation Mockingbird

Teenagers Don Henry and Kevin Ives were murdered for accidentally witnessing a CIA cocaine smuggling operation in Mena Arkansas. Bill Clinton aided in the cover up, as well as the money laundering.

The Arab, Jew conflict and the rebuilding of Babylon (Iraq) dominate the news daily.

VeriChip is the Pandora's Box of the mark of the Beast. Soon implants will substitute ID and credit cards. GPS next.

Neural Interfaces (chips and electrodes wired directly into the human brain) will soon be common ways to surf the Internet and make phone calls.

The Illuminati teachings and ideologies dominate the global agenda of the New World Order.

Operation Mockingbird was a CIA program created in 1948 to control domestic and foreign media by planting propaganda from paying off reporters and infiltrating publishers, and similar but much more advanced programs exist today.

Mechanical hybrid Terminators are being manufactured by the Department of Defense. These hybrid 'living' computers will soon be more intelligent than humans. These systems include armed flying drones.

"The locusts looked like horses prepared for battle. On their heads they wore something like crowns of gold and their faces resembled human faces. Their hair was like woman's hair and their teeth were like lion's teeth. They had breastplates like breastplates of iron and the sound of their wings was like the thundering of many horses and chariots rushing into battle." Revelation 9:7-9

The antichrist will soon rise through the political, and technological infrastructure.

And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name...and his number is Six hundred & sixty-six. (Rev. 13:15-18)


Monday, December 26, 2005

I wish I knew how to post photos.

Me! Cake! Poorly formatted page layout! The golden age begins!

I wish I knew how to post photos.

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Who is this friendly character? He looks so cool!

Sunday, December 25, 2005


Can you feel the CONNECTEDNESS?