Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Friday, December 08, 2006

The Bittersweet Taste of Mallo

Have you ever heard of a Mallo Cup? I hadn't, until I went into Retro Fun, a store in Toronto that sells weird and vintage toys, games, trading cards and other collectibles, plus import candy. Somewhere between the Babe Ruth bars and the UK-imported Ripple bars, I found Mallo Cups, a candy made by Pennsylvania's Boyer Candies. Basically, a Mallo Cup is a deeper Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, but with marshmallow cream filling – pretty tasty.

I picked it because I liked the retro feel to the packaging. If you go to the Boyer website, there’s a company history that explains how it all started during the Depression with a family selling homemade candy door-to-door to make ends meet. However, despite changing hands a couple of times throughout the years, this is obviously a company that doesn’t change with the times very easily – just ask Marty Mallo, the high-tops and aviator shades-wearing mascot.

Even more retro than Marty, though, is the Mallo Cups Play Money promotion. Each Mallo Cups package includes a very vintage-looking card worth 25 Mallo Cup Play Money points, which one can redeemed for prizes, including a Boyer memorabilia mug (2250 points), Marty Mallo sweatshirt (4500 points) and the top dog: a Marty Mallo Quartz Watch (8500). That timepiece will come in real handy when measuring your laboured heart-rate after eating the 340 Mallo Cups (technically 680 cups, as there are two per package) it takes to get the stupid watch – which can also be bought for $24.95.
But say you don’t want to eat that much candy; what can be had for a mere 500 points? Well, if you smash down 20 Mallo Cups you’re eligible for a Marty Mallo rebate cheque totaling… wait for it… wait for it… $1.00! With chocolate bars costing about a buck each, that’s like buy 20, get one free. No, wait… after you buy an envelope and postage (FYI: from Canada it would cost $0.89) to send in your points, you’ve probably spent over a $1.00.
It seems the only way to come out on top of this chocolate-covered scam is to get yourself a time machine and take those lousy points back to the 1950s. And I can’t imagine how many points you’d need for the Marty Mallo Time Machine.

And on a non-Mallo Cup-related note, I’m back in Edmonton from December 8th to the 18th. See some of you then.