Our dirt bikes bring all the boys to the yard. Damn right, they're better than yours.

Friday, August 11, 2006

How's your news?

Something is boring into my head. How it got there isn't important, but the fact that it really refuses to leave is disturbing. Here's how it goes. Sing along with the link if you dare.
Hey, how's your news?
Would you like to sing a tune
would you like to chase your blues away??!?!?
Put on your dancing shoes
and tell us how's your news
It soon will be coming through, straight through...
Gather your friends with you
and switch on the tube
You don't need an (*excuse?*),
How's your news?
Imagine "switiching on the tube" and finding a crack news team of five or six severely disabled news reporters. Most of them can't talk coherently. One of can hardly move with anything other than random jerks. They all lack the ability to get the "scoop," unless it's ice cream.
That's the whole premise behind How's Your News, a Trey Parker/Matt Stone production. It's supposedly a serious documentary about a team of disabled people from New Hampshire who decide to go across the country in a hand-painted motorhome to ask people questions that are burning in the minds of Americans.
One interviews people by pretending to talk, but having no idea what he's saying. Another only asks about characters from soap operas. The female singer of the theme song badgers a homeless man, asking him twice what sights they should see in Virginia. Both times he replies "I hate it here." Soap Opera man and The Female Badger wrote and sang and forgot the words to that theme song.
For some reason, the South Park inventors thought a film about this ineffective news team crossing the country, scaring people, hitting themselves and others in the face with microphones, and just generally not getting the scoop in towns like Washington, Texas, and Retardania was a good idea.
It wasn't. These are sincere, hard-working, physically and mentally challenged people who fail entirely at being interesting. You'll cringe a little when they leave the non-speaking, non-signing reporter who can't move parked on Venice Beach flailing at passers-by, and you'll fast forward some parts because they're either painful to listen to, or not interesting at all.
How's Your News really doesn't illustrate the human condition, or tug at your heartstrings. You don't quite get mad at the reporters for being so horrible, because, hey, they're retarded. But you do spend a long time wondering what you are supposed to be getting from this movie, and whether or not the South Park directors were expecting a lot more.
Here's one more song.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Sweet Yard Sale Hook-Ups

Who says you can’t be a playa’ on a budget? As this yard sale flyer – found tacked up outside a Portuguese bakery in the Dundas-Ossington area last Saturday night – makes very clear, you can still be all that even if your wallet ain’t fat.

The top five items:

  1. Bling Blings – This is exactly the term grandma would use when passing around a bag full of her old costume jewelry that she’s decided to share with all the grandchildren. “Kids, help yourself to some of grandma’s bling blings, there’s plenty to go around.” That said, I think the plural of “bling bling” should be simply “blang.”
  2. Crosses of the Lord, Jesus Christ – Just in case you thought they might be Crosses of the Lord, Vader.”
  3. Collectables from Honey U R My Shiny Star – I’d check out this sale just to find out what the hell these are. “Honey, you are my shining star” are lyrics from Shining Star, by The Manhattans. Anyone know what these collectables might be from?
  4. Deodorant – I hope this actually smells like a yard sale: old books, dusty clothes and cigarette-stained furniture. If it were a cologne (also available at this yard sale), it could be “Old Spice-Rack”, “CK 2 for 1” or “Karl Lagerfeld’s Used.”
  5. Spinners (Watches – Playboy & G-Unit) – Oh, yeah. Nothin’ says “Mac” like a spinning rim-style G-Unit watch bought at a yard sale. Goes perfectly with slightly used gold caps and half-empty bottle of Cristal you found while garage sale-ing last weekend.